I swear this has nothing to do with Kendrick’s verse.
As long as I can remember, I’ve had this conflict within me. Thoughts have flown through my mind, most of which I’ve had no control over.
The brain is a fascinating subject. It is the reason why we are who are; how we express ourselves, how we process information, how we remember, how we think. Keep in mind, the brain actually named itself ‘the brain’. Mind fuck? Yeah. My brain just masturbated.
Yet, we have very little knowledge (in the grand scheme of things) on how our brains truly work. Studies are being done daily; tests on animals and human beings, scans and cognitive behavioral test, all in hopes of understand our own mechanism. The computer system that sends the signals to the engine for our existence’s automobility.
Comparing the body to an automobile is not that far fetched. I’ve spent the better part of the last year attempting to understand why my brain works the way that it does. Why are the mechanics all wrong? Why am I getting the wrong signals sent to my engine, to my heart?
Just like any car manufacturer, some mistakes will be passed on to the next generations. Some issues will remain, and some new ones will arise. As we strive for perfection, understanding one’s mistakes allows us for better functionality in the future. But by the time we understand how our past generations messed up, we’ve already been conditioned, or programmed, to act/feel/react/be without having much say. You’ve been built this way. You were raised to think a certain way. You had no control over the defining and programming stages of your life. Scary thought? Maybe, but you shouldn’t let it scare you. Because you DO have control, at least now, at this point in your life – if you’re reading this, you do.
I’ll speak on my own behalf. To name a few of my dysfunctions, paranoia and fear are huge ones. Catastrophizing and imagining the worst possible scenario. Mulling it over and continuously obsessing over these hypothetical scenarios…that gives way for so much negativity. Which led me to develop this thirst for instant gratification. Something quick to take my mind off of it, whether its spending money (a lot of it) or attempting to impress the opposite sex, drugs or alcohol, a life worth living in any movie. But we’re not in a movie, this moment will not end in the next two hours (R.I.P. if it does..) and there can be severe consequences through your actions and your thoughts.
Something I heard recently stuck in my brain.
One does not have control over externally-influenced thoughts, but one does have the control to stop thinking about them.
That’s a tough one. It’s absolutely true, but it’s tough. When we speak on the brain, as much as I bring up conditioning, programming and habits, we need to remember that there are chemical reactions at all times happening up there. These reactions, creations or manipulation of such chemicals, makes it increasingly harder to ‘control’ what is out of your grasp. Am I obsessing because my brain’s serotonin production/reception is imbalanced/blocked? Or is it because my mom had these tendencies? Or both?
As I attempt to answer Why I am the way I am, I lose whatever control I had. I lose all focus on what truly matters, the why was the catalyst to who I am today. And who I am now, is the one who wants to change the What‘s that I don’t like. By allowing yourself to focus on the wrong subjects, or simply looking in the wrong direction, that’s when you give up control.
Obsession can be used positively when focused. An artist will obsess with his or her work, so will anyone who truly believes in whatever it is that they’re doing. It can give him or her that added motivation to go further, go deeper, be better. Transferring one’s energy into the right channels will allow one to elevate. To ameliorate.
My current obsession is to see if I can find new ways, or the right things to obsess over. It is to understand and accept that all things outside of my control are in fact outside of my control. Once that’s accepted, I can better myself. I can focus on who I am, and who I need to become in order to live as happy a life as I can. Don’t fret over someone else’s problems, issues or obsessions. Don’t fret over someone else’s actions or thoughts. You have some input in all of that, but control? Naw. They are them, you are you.
Your universe can be a better one when you realize that that your own dysfunctions can be worked on. Change your own brakes, change your oil, get a tune up, put some new tires on, full yourself up with that Supreme gas. Give yourself a nice wash, and start fresh every day. There are still many miles left to travel by the time you understand your autonomy, so focus on the things you need to, in order to better yourself, rather than obsessing over the things you don’t like.
Look at yourself in the mirror. What don’t you like? Your nose? Manufacturer’s fault. Oh well. Your weight/physical appearance? You can always hit up a body shop/gym and modify as you please. Your thought process? It’s all you. Remind yourself of all the things you’re capable of, of all that you’ve done, and of all that you want to accomplish. Remind yourself that this body and mind, if maintained properly, is what will allow you to live a life worth living.
Sometimes, the best way to control your life, is accepting to let go of the steering wheel. If you hit a wall, it might hurt – but the world is an open road. Be conscientious, mindful of your thoughts and actions, pay attention, do the best you can to avoid impacting your surroundings and loved ones negatively, and allow yourself to roam. To drive. To ride. To live.
Free.
Here’s a little list I found online that hit home with me. It gave me insight on my many dysfunctions and distorted ways of processing my thoughts. Truthfully, I see 13 out of the 15 styles within me – it doesn’t mean I failed at life, it only means that I still have a lot of work to do in order to find a leveled ground to ride on. We can fix the potholes in our lives, if we know where to look for them. If you see yourself in this, by all means, let’s get to work. We got this.
the Apartment 6 Podcast archive 