What are we holding on to, if we know we’re bound to lose?
Why do, if you know you won’t have?
We’re born into this world with the promise of death. We’re born, completely oblivious, to the idea that everything you once called your own will one day be gone. That blind hope for tomorrow.
That’s a harsh fucking reality.
I can’t remember when exactly that first thought happened. I don’t know when exactly I figured out that every single person that I love, cherish and would die for, will probably die before me. Or leave. Or live without me.
But I know that I’ve had this fear inside me for a very long time.
I remember being 8 or 9, thinking that my dad is old. That he wouldn’t be around much longer..that I had to grow up and become an adult quickly because I needed my family to know they can rely on me.
He’s still alive today, thankfully.
I remember vividly thinking how it would be without him, this conscious thought of living without either or both my parents, having to figure it out as a kid. And it wasn’t because of ‘responsibilities of an adult’, but rather the idea of being without the presence of the ones who love me…and it scared the fuck out of me.
What if we lost our house? What if my sister got kidnapped? What if we all got in a car accident and I was the only one to survive? What if i lose my job? What if i get married and my wife cheats on me?! What if the one i love breaks my heart? These were the thoughts of a little kid. How would I live without the love and support of the ones I hold on to?
This crippling fear of loss has made it so that I still cannot fully enjoy the present moment, because they’re all tainted with the knowledge that one day, it’ll all be taken away.
And that’s why we do it, right? That’s why we live? That’s how we’re supposed to be able to cope with the idea that it’ll all be gone – by living? By loving? By experiencing these wonderful things in life that these beautiful, loving people are making possible? Creating memories?
Then why can’t I stop thinking about the ‘…and then…’? About the ‘..but…’? About the ‘…what if…’?
Why is it so difficult to appreciate the present moment, to carpe the fucking diem, when all I think about is ‘what happens next’?
What happened early on? What went on in my mind when I realized that in the end, you die alone? What got triggered exactly? That’s a tormenting thought.
But the universe doesn’t care. No..it doesn’t. It doesn’t care where you were born, why you’re living the way that you do, why you do what you do. It cares for what you actually do, the what, not the why. It cares for what you think, not why you think this way. For what you feel.
The why, that’s in your hands. YOU have the option, the choice to feel a certain way or to do something about it. YOU, reader, have the power in your mind’s hands to shape and mold the emotions, thoughts and (re)actions…these will be the keys to the many doors the Universe has in store for you. Call it fate, destiny, mathematics.
If A > B, then A will lead you to C. If B>A=D, then E is just a F away. Get what I’m saying? Everything is a variable, everything will shape your existence.
So if A=Negativity, and B=Positivity, then your B is fucked. Your C will be a result of an abundance of A, and it will ultimately suck.
I am on a mission to not have a life that sucks. I don’t want that C, I want an abundance of B.
So I need to learn to accept. Nothing is forever. These thoughts, these feelings…10 years from now, I probably won’t remember what the feeling was, I’ll just know that I felt it. That it led me to L, M, N, O and P. I need to learn that people, we, are all in the same boat. We’re all looking for B > A, we all want to die knowing that we enjoyed every moment we possibly could, and not wonder ‘what if’. We wish to live it with people we love, and if your mind-body-soul is in the right place, then those loving people will be there with you, every step of the way. And if they’re not, it’s ok. It shouldn’t and won’t take away from the moments – unless you allow them to.
So to my loved ones, my family and friends. My acquaintances and those which whom I haven’t spoken with in months or years. And to myself.
I love you. And I appreciate that you’ve entered my life. You’re free to go whenever you please, and the door will always be open. You are not an enemy, and you’ve done me no wrong – and if you have, I trust in my intentions and in the power of forgiveness. Live your lives, not in the fear of loss but in the vision of gain – the gain of new experiences, better thoughts, a better life. Do not stagnate as a person out of fear of loss – loss of friendship, of love, of attachments, of your jobs, material belongings, or of death. Let it go. Expand your mind, expand your heart, and expand your life – the Right people will be in your life at the Right time. If not it’ll be all wrong.
Just enjoy it, and chill out. Don’t be a sore loser. We all have a purpose.