I set out to write this post without knowing exactly what I needed to write about.
I just knew i needed to write.
Allow me to indulge myself in this time of need. And if you follow, good. If you’ve already considered pressing that little X. I won’t, or can’t, stop you.
Reality is, the only thing I can truly control are my own actions. Not even my thoughts. My brain fires its synapses at such a rapid rate that all I can truly do is attempt to grasp what these flying invisible words are attempting to tell. Attempt to make sense of them. What’s the story?
The power behind words, these simple associations that can evoke such emotions, should never be understated. I have spent my entire life holding back because I thought too much, I spoke too often, and expressed myself deeply. Let these words fly without thinking, or [always] assessing, how they might impact the receiver. People aren’t ready for that. Rightfully so.
You, dear reader, have enough shit on your own plate to deal with. You, dear reader, probably need someone to listen to you talk as well. But chances are, like many within my surroundings, can’t or won’t express those thoughts. Can’t, or won’t, divulge these dark moments and keep them deep within. You don’t let go, you simply push back.
I have a tendency to disappear from the world every now and then, both on and offline. The simple reason behind it is that I have promised myself to not spread negativity. I don’t want to infect my surrounding, these incredibly positive, beautiful and inspiring influences that I have had the privilege to meet and befriend through these last 26.5 years of existence. This world, my world, has only existed for that time. I don’t know how much more time I have, nobody does. With that line of thinking, I need to be able to do as much good, spread as much positivity and enlightenment to those who are both inquisitive and receptive.
Pick your battles.
Not everyone is up for the task, for the fight if you will. I use the word fight even after reading its definition; not as a quarrel or argument, not as a violent exchange, but simply as a back and forth, and exchange of power and will, a moment in your day or life that shows you what you’re made of. A test of strength, of control, of anticipation and maneuvering. Similar to a sparring session at a boxing gym; no one is out for blood – only elevation and amelioration. I’m speaking of a mental battle; one that creates opportunities to put all of your knowledge of self, of life, or lack thereof, and use it to your advantage – to elevate or disintegrate a way of thought.
I don’t have all the answers. But I feel like I’ve won a battle when I realized that I will never have all the answers. never say never? fuck that. You’ll never lie? Fuck that. You’ll never look for your own interest first? Fuck that. The reality is, every single human being that I know needs to look out for themselves before everyone else, if not then who will? Who will feed you, bathe you, take care of you, as a competent and fully-abled adult if not you?
I’m not promoting selfishness, never will (ha!). What I’m promoting is to think for yourself, and allow yourself to be drifted away while keeping an eye on the shore…because you never know if whoever is sailing this ship will break down on you. You never know. Until it happens, or doesn’t. You’ll either feel justified, or silly. Whichever.
Having said that, once you realize that you are facing the unknown, the unexpected and the unintelligible mathematical equations of the universe – Once you’ve understood that you will never understand the true inner thoughts of someone, even if they explicitly express them, you realize that you need to let it go.
We’re all searching. We’re all wondering. We’re all wandering. Cluelessly, yet with an aim. A direction. Paths are crossed and paths are diverged. Sometimes we hit a cul-de-sac and need to turn back on our steps. Mistakes are made, and promises aren’t kept. We are human. We have ever-changing thoughts.
Realizing that I cannot control my thoughts, I have the ability to control my actions. I can CHOOSE to ponder on these negative thoughts or attempt to get past them. That’s not an easy one. We can hold on to the past, yet we can also reflect on it and attempt to more forward. We can choose to live in fear; fear of loss, fear of the unknown. Or we can expect the unexpected and learn to adapt. We, humans, for the most part, are an adaptive specie. That is an incredible trait that we seem to forget. My friend Charlotte often reminds me that we’re in a constant state of inertia, it cannot and will not be stopped – whether positive or negative.
Stagnation = death.
And I would never wish death upon any one, especially not my loved ones. As a human being – born and raised in a first world country, with a plethora of opportunities, I do feel compelled to make the most of this experience. If my mental state is bringing me down, leading me to a path of stagnation and the darkest deepest corners of my psyche, then my brain also has the power to give my consciousness a ladder of hope and optimism, of strength to allow me to move past it.
I need to learn to Let it Go. Whatever it is, it will not be capitalized. it will not be romanticized. it will not be dramatized. it will not lead me to obsessive thoughts and behaviours. it needs to be let go of.
We all need a reminder every once in a while. We’ve made it this far, however old you are. Whichever experience you’ve lived, loved or hated. We’ve done pretty good for ourselves so far..and we’re only getting better at it.
Just remember.
Let it Go.
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