The fuck am I doing?
I threw myself in a pit of fire, because I was frozen in place. The benefit? I thaw out. The problem? I burn myself out.
Shall I explain?
Let me preface this. I’m in no way doubting my decision to get my life back on track. Don’t get me wrong – this? This is just a release.
As stated in Journal.2. I’ve always had a problem maintaining or keeping up with whatever promise I’ve made to myself. My work ethic has always been ‘bare minimum/maximum results’…I’m not necessarily proud of that, I’m just being honest.
The point is, I’ve always been capable of more, I just never truly put in the effort that It deserved.
What’s It?
It is life. Yeah, Life. I know my potential, I know I’ve got It. It is infinite. When I work out for a month and my shoulders get broader, chest gets thicker, abs start sticking out…I know I’m capable of more.
When I got a corporate job and got a promotion within the first 2 months, and 2 more promotions in the following 5 years, I know I’m capable of more.
But I get burnt out. Either mentally or physically. Or both. I get bored, fed up, annoyed, angry, fat, injured, allergic. Take your pick.
Why though?
I just got off the phone with a future guest on the show. Perfect timing. As I ask myself why, she reminds me of the simplicity of life. Her simple, efficient and effective understanding of habits reminded me of 3 of my worst.
Passion, Patience and Balance.
No passion. I do things because I want to they’re good for me. My intentions and desires are not aligned. As a matter of fact, they’re in conflict.
See, I need a job in order to maintain a lifestyle that is detrimental to my office career, and vice versa as the corporate environment destroys every inch of creative inspiration might have been sent my way. Read that again.
Or,
I need to workout in order to maintain my body in a healthy state. But I enjoy sitting, talking, smoking, writing, reading, playing, meditating, relaxing. Nothing. I like nothing a lot. A bit too much. I never enjoyed physical exertion except for sex, and a few sport activities – but my cardio’s completely destroyed due to smoking a pack a day for nearly 10 years…and not doing any cardio. So that’s out of the question, cuz I don’t like physical exertion! Duh.
But through the years, I’ve understood something. See, if It is infinite, then so are the possibilities. There’s a route for everything, to everything, for everyone. You just need to know which one you’re looking for, and why. Do you love it? Is this really what you want? Is this what you dream of?
Or because It’s what’s expected? You expect It? Your family?
Problem with expectations is that It may just kill whatever Passion you might have, and along with your passion goes your Patience.
Nothing, and I mean nothing will ever get done right if one doesn’t have the patience. That simple.
And the reality is? I’ve never been balanced in these endeavours because I never had the passion and, by default, any patience to begin with.
I got a corporate job not by desire, but by necessity to figure out what I was going to do for a living. I was 19. I thought I was running out of time. Ha.
I got on an intense diet and workout plan, why? Not by desire but by my doctor’s scare. Seriously, I just want to be healthy.
But I flip-turn everything upside down.
No balance.
Taking action is not the problem. I did the right thing to take action. But drastic changes never last. They’re temporary. I simply need to learn how to implement healthy things that I love into a sedentary and generally unhealthy life. How hard can that be?
She recounted the words of her old coach :
If you’re not dying, you’re not getting results.
I don’t believe in that. Why kill yourself if you won’t be around to appreciate what you’ve sown. I think [hope] life can be properly balanced between hard work and pleasure, dedication and passion, actions and results. One just needs to find their path in this desert of possibilities.
But remember, It can kill you if choose someone else’s path.
Just fucking Do You.
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